Death Ride #2- I Hear the Train a-Comin’…and It’s Filled with My Whine.
While I joke that it’s just me whining, truly, I’m venting. I don’t like to complain to those around me constantly, so I do it to you, and you, and you….here through the blog. Like it, or don’t. Just don’t be an asshole.
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I’m sitting here on my bed, with my lap top on my lap, wondering how many days of this I’ll be able to handle. 20 to go. For now. My body is angulating. Nauseated. My brain is a like an active machine…..that’s got the capability to crawl. Every part of me feels electrified, and I can’t calm it. My brain wants to talk, and talk, and talk….but it has nothing to say. My hips and knees are throbbing, hot, and swollen…..so getting up and running around the block like my head is telling me to do…won’t be happening. (I just had to pause just now to threaten to cut my legs off at the hip…. Not being on my meds to help with my joints is torture.) Too many things to focus on. Inhale. Cleansing Breath. Exhale.
Why is this happening to me? Because I needed to go back on these meds immediately to turn off my body, my immune system, to make it stop attacking itself. My scleroderma has advanced. It’s apparently been quietly doing a number on my lungs and pulmonary system the past few months. Spectacular! And, of course, the timing couldn’t be better….. Not like my whole family isn’t already broken from the horrible ordeal with my dear Grandma. I’m pretty sure I contemplated just not telling my mother, or anyone but Rhock…but then knew she’d murder me if I went that route, and a few friends would also have my ass. See, at least I try to mix the bad news with some good news! (Phoenix on Fire is headed to publication as of yesterday! Bonus!) Anyway, Cytoxan, steroids (huge, mega doses), PPIs, ulcer meds, and a nice Zofran on top. 20 days left. Then we’ll have more answers as to what, if anything, can halt this crap from hardening my insides any further.
As if all of this wasn’t enough to deal with, turns out ALL THREE of the Darlings are sick. Well, OldestDarling is now fever free, and recovering. Noodle and Tiny are now, however, going through the fever spikes from normal to 104 degrees. My favorite part is how they were “fine” all day today….yesterday. *Sigh.* I crossed my fingers today that somehow, my weak system will be spared from this. But then my logical voice kicks in, and beats the hopeful voice in the face. So, I now take care of them wearing a mask and gloves. (Yes, while I run around like a lunatic on speed, because these meds are not right.)
Here it is again, life’s perspective, punching me in the gut repeatedly. (No, my beliefs haven’t changed, so let’s not get too excited on that front.) (Thanks.) But the things that are important in my life have become more pronounced than ever, almost literally, lighting up the path as it happens. I’m more confident now on who I want to support, back, hang around, and where I want my work to go. On what I want with my life. I’ve let go of the relationships that weren’t helping me heal, and my God, how I miss some of them. <3 Life isn’t ever going to stop happening to any of us. The faster you just accept it, and stop trying to change every little aspect, and figure out the “why’s”….the faster you’ll learn to relax. You’ll learn to smile at the bad, and know how to handle the rocky situations. You won’t need to turn outward for your answers, you’ll be able to trust in your own. Your voice. You have got to start listening to it. It’s vital to the rest of your life’s happiness….
This is the rest of your life.
Some of us get off completely free; only held back by life’s mysteries.
The rest of us hang on to our ropes; and never lose that last bit of hope.
Whatever the way your path doth go; just remember to take it real slow.
Going too fast, you’ll lose your chance; And life’s a party- just don’t miss the dance!
SF©2014