Justice for Nancy: December 30, 2014. Show Me the Way to Go Home…

There’s no joke in saying that, in one visit, you’ll experience more emotions than you knew you had. You’ll feel things that no human should have to feel, and there’s nothing you can do to make any of it better. Walking into her room, to me, feels heavy….and I’m right back in March when it first happened. Then April, May…. And June. And the trial. Of course, I don’t speak for my whole family, but I know that many of them struggle with this, too.

It had been some time since my last visit, due to nothing more than my distracted, angry mindset. Facing this monster in court, then immediately facing my child’s major heart surgery, plus other factors weighing us down, put me in an angry place. One I’ve never denied being in. But I did know, from past experiences with my ailing Grandmas, that patience and calm were musts. Patience, calm, peace, and love. I had the patience and love, but peace and calm have been eluding me. I didn’t want her to feel my negativity at all. Not ever. So, today I went back thinking I had myself in check. Wrong. But for her, and with my husband’s steady hand, I held my own.

When we first arrived, she was peacefully sleeping. Well, as peaceful as one can be when their foot is constantly shaking from nerves, fear of the unknown, and life. In the twenty minutes where I sat and talked to her sleeping-in-a-coma self, my heart broke with each passing minute. 11 months ago when I sat in her living room to chat, I couldn’t get her to STOP talking. The stories flowed out of her, debates, politics…hell, even football….she’d talk about everything. Now even trying to pull out a “hello” is heart wrenching. After a while, I was finally able to wake her enough for a few words, a quick song, and a few “I love yous.” Then back into the sleep-coma she fell. Today I was lucky, and a mere few hours later, the visiting turned sour. By this evening, she was back to screaming and shouting, pleading and begging, upset at everything, and nothing. In the low swings of her life, she’s inconsolable, sometimes mean, and makes little sense. In the high points, she’s planning holidays, singing songs, and remembering old memories. Of course her moods are now out of her control, and no one holds anything against her for this…but…. It sure is a hard thing to live through. I think she’s hardest on the people she loves, and trusts, the most. But even then, there are really no words to match with what her children, sister, and grandchildren are feeling about all of this on a daily basis. This directly happened to her…and has directly and indirectly changed and affected all of us.

We often get asked about her, and how she is doing. If my briefing of today wasn’t enough of a description, I’ll formally address it now. Her medical condition declines every day. There are moments of good, but honestly there seem to be more of the bad. Yes, she is entirely blind. Yes, she is in hospice care. No, there is no “set” care plan, as her case is one of a kind. No, she will not be able to walk again—although she will tell you differently. Her body is too weak, and her fears too great to really have this be a feasible idea. Her best interests are always at the forefront, no matter how hard the matter is.

She needs love, understanding, patience, and support. She needs prayers for comfort, and peace. In one moment of her being awake today, we again talked about the Justice for Nancy Spread the Good event. The news of those giving gifts to needy, helping people, and the good deeds done in her name brought a smile. She does feel the love, and for this, I’m grateful. Nancy now lives in a shell of herself, that was blown to smithereens by Zachery Doan. Each day for her seems to be a new nightmare, and we’re never sure how it will play out. We appreciate your continued prayers, and support.

Please keep spreading the word of Justice for Nancy. In my heart, I know I can help keep her voice strong in her own fight for justice. She deserves it, and so much more. For now, I’ll be mad as hell for her, and always make sure everyone knows the truth about who stole her life.