Justice for Nancy: Frustrations, Nerves and Words.
You know, you wouldn’t think I’d have trouble finding the right words for the sentencing Friday….but the truth is, I can’t settle on what to say. Why? Because like always, I have too much to say. I mean, wtf do you say to the piece of shit that completely took the life of your grandma, and blew up my family? And why waste my breath saying too much? You already know, like I do, that piece of shit isn’t going to “hear” any of it as I’d like….and neither will his trash family. This is beyond stressful, so much, that I can’t even really find the words to describe how.
Don’t get me wrong—I will be speaking on behalf of my Grandma, to try to help in any way I can, to ensure that the court system stands up, and does the right thing by sentencing to the maximum, consecutive sentences. I feel like we’re only asking for what should be perfectly logical—for him to be held responsible for the things he has admitted to. I have to admit, the sentences given out in our system recently to other criminals with similar offenses weren’t enough. In my humble opinion, of course. But will my words do what they are intended to do? God, I hope so.
The nerves that come and go make your heart speed up. It makes your brain think of the repetitive what if’s, why’s, how’s…just everything. You replay her version of events in your head constantly, in her voice, and more so when you’re faced with the GUILTY himself. (And just because I hate him, and I want his name to pop up in ALL of your social media searches, ZACHERY DOAN.) You can feel your body temperature rise, and although you tell yourself to hold it together, it becomes almost impossible to do. The nervous sweats, the body tremors, and the intense pain that my body pushes out when true stress hits me. It’s a true, real, raw anger. It’s not out of control, and very focused. One that makes you hate the way it’s making you feel, but you have no hold over in the moment. In the past weeks…past months…or future weeks, and months.
I recently was involved in a conversation where the “devil” kept being brought up. It was the standard church like talk, of “avoiding the devil in your life.” As always, I listened, objectively, as it wasn’t a bad talk, or bad point of view—just not my own. I just don’t agree. And I don’t agree because I’ve seen the devil in real life, on a few occasions. What he’s capable of, and how it comes out of nowhere. The “devil” as I heard in that convo, were the bad decisions or choices that humans are given and forced to face on a day to day basis. Maybe you’ll do them, or maybe you’ll avoid them. I simply call that making “right” or “wrong” decisions. I don’t feel that the “devil makes you do it,” I feel like you make your choice. But whatever you blame your bad choices on, with each of those, come the consequences. All part of the reason that God gave us brains, right? To make those choices?
My first attempts on what I’d be saying Friday morning were focused on that: Zachery Doan’s choices that evening of March 10, 2014, and how my Grandma and family were affected. I don’t want the courts to focus on the statements of his family, which will surely paint him in oil and acrylic paints, all “pretty, nice, and just had a bad day” sort of picture. (But seriously, you can’t make an ugly ass ogre cute. I hope he is rendered unable to breed in jail.) I want the courts to only see the crime, the admitted guilt, and the violent, horrendous outcomes that HIS ACTIONS caused. But even that was too much, after I’ve read, re-read, let other read, and read again. This quote is one that I found a few weeks ago, and I just keep coming back to. The symbolism just gets me, but obviously it’s way over the heads of people like them.
“Enthroned upon the mighty truth, within the confines of the law;
True Justice seeth not the man, but only hears his cause.
Unconscious of his creed or race, She cannot see, but only weighs;
For justice with unbandaged eyes would be oppression in disguise.”- PLD
As of this morning I’ve rewritten it again. It’s weighing heavily on my mind, as is my daughter’s looming heart surgery. Between those things, my own medical issues, bullshit my husband is facing daily, medical bills, and still finding a way to support my family with my own work…. I’m proud I’ve kept myself in check. But I can’t help but wonder just how many more times I’ll end up rewriting it. 2 days to go. Here’s a brief sentence from my latest words:
“He’s taken something away from my children that I’ll never be able to make okay again. They’ll never trust their neighbor, jump when someone knocks on the door, and now know the truth—that there are monsters in this world, just not under their beds.”
If you can, please join us on Friday morning. Check out the Justice for Nancy page for details on that. Or, feel free to use the hashtags #justicefornancy #zacherydoanisguilty #maximumsentenceZDoan in your posts of support.
