Justice for Nancy: Halloween, Grandmas, Dreams & Devils….
Last year at this time, I was readying myself and the family to go to another family member’s funeral, and I could feel the creeping sinking feeling setting in in the pits of my stomach, and heart. As we stood with my husband’s family, covering the memories of his dear Uncle, their husband, brother, dad, and friend, I received the call from my Dad that I knew was coming. You passed without us there, but in the arms of one of the only truly caring nurses at that crappy facility you were in. Within the hour, both Dad and I were with you. Our final goodbyes, but not our final words….because I’m pretty sure you’ve been talking to me ever since. Including last night’s dream, where you really stressed in importance of a front porch swing. I’ve adjusted to you being there, and not here. I do miss you, so much, but parts of you have just stuck with me. Last night you congratulated me on my successes, comforted my nerves, and promised me you’d watch out for Grandma P.
As I sit here, sort of shocked that a year has gone by, and ALL of the terrible things that have happened, I feel like we’re all in the same place again. We have a matriarch of our family in the pits of hell, for lack of a better word. My Grandma’s home invasion, robbery, massive life taking beating received by Zachery Doan in March of 2014 has left her broken, and essentially life-less. She breaths, and cries out for help. She can’t move, see, or feed herself. Her body is shutting down, but ever so slowly. She thinks that people are not who they say, and becomes psychotically afraid in seconds. I can’t watch the demise of someone that had such a role in my life, again. Such a place in my Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday schedule for the first 14 years of my life. My first sleep overs. GG, please keep looking out for her…
I asked you last night if you could give me back the strength I seem to have lost. You were quick to point out that it wasn’t strength I lacked, but ability to get past the anger (this shit really does blacken your heart…), and my inability to get past court, and not being able to beat the shit out of the Devil himself, and all his family members. It’s also true that my heart is still recovering from the loss of you, GG, and now it’s all going to happen again.
But you know dreams, some noise always distracts you, or it’s time to wake up. In a moment, it seemed, GG had to leave, and told me I needed to wake up. She promised to visit again soon, rambled something about beef and noodles, and reminded me that life stops for no one, and we’ll all be just fine. I woke up smiling today, and that was nice. Since we’ve moved, your music boxes have randomly played more than ever. I know you’d approve of the move, and the compound. Thanks for the visit, Geeg. See you again soon, I hope. (PS. I know you were really just stopping in to check on your African Violet, which by some unfathomable chance, I have managed to keep alive!) Love you always, Barbara Jean. ~
