Justice for Nancy: When the Feelings Wash Over You…
~
After all of this happened, we all tried to move forward however we had to, to get back on track once again. Some people sought faith, others solace, and others completely turned away from the family for their own reasons. Others were outcasted. I threw myself in to this cause and other local causes that not only ensured people could eat, but that focused on our elderly community. I made promises to my Grandmas that I would help others whenever I could, however I could. And I do.
However, there are things that continue to happen that let me know all the things that I could have learned from this horrid experience are not over, and that there are still parts I am coming to terms with. And that is okay in my journey.
But sometimes, when the feelings wash over me, and it feels like I am standing there in the hospital, hours after she was attacked, with blood coming from her eyes, nose and ears, and her cries of terror, I lose my breath and find myself frozen in place remembering every minute and every detail that was permanently seared in to my mind.
Sometimes, when the feelings wash over me, I can still hear her telling me how he watched her while she talked on the phone watching AGT. I can hear her voice hitch when she says she sees him coming at her face, hand drawn back at her head, and her remembering only the first blow. I can feel her fear being lost in her own house because she can no longer see due to his brutal beating… and I feel trapped.
Sometimes, when those feelings wash over me, the rage and anger push into the backs of my eyeballs and make me feel every single thing I felt that night, and in the weeks after, rolling down my cheeks in hot, droplet form.
Sometimes, when those feelings wash over me, I need to sign in to the corrections system and verify he is still safely in jail, tightly behind bars. I still hope his life brings the turmoil and chaos he has brought to so many others over the years and I still hope he finds no peace in prison, or life.
Sometimes, life throws things at me that I would never expect but am forced to do because I know I need to be better than him; then they were. And because I promised. But I still can’t breathe.
–
This is what violent crime and PTSD leave with victims and their families. These feelings never truly go away, we all just learn to live with them in different ways, cope however we can, and take what lessons we need from them when we are strong enough. But we never forget, and parts of us remain frozen in those moments whether we want them to or not.
~
Missing you still, Grandma, and remembering you this holiday season with giant spoons, your favorite songs, and our best karaoke sessions.
#JusticeforNancy #FortWayne #Indiana