Sticks, Stones & Ignorance: What NOT to Say to the Chronically Ill
“Aww, you’re out of the house! So glad you’re feeling better!” “Oh… you’re sick…again?” “Why is your skin so flakey?” “You look so good!” “Maybe if you prayed harder.” “Oh, I’ve got a headache…It must be Lupus!” “Aww, I’m so tired, and can’t get out of bed. I think I have Lupus!” “I’m so tired of you being sick! Get better!” “Have you tried rubbing tea leaves on your ass?” “How about this…you should change your diet!”
Do we really need to go on? Apparently so. You know, years into our illnesses, and there are still certain words, phrases, and insinuations that make us want to rip out a person’s throat…nicely, of course. Social media is notorious for exposing these idiots and their nothing but IGNORANT comments, regularly. Thankfully, we tolerate these fools much better than we use to, as time and accepting our fate helps get by. Now, that said, their ignorance doesn’t anger us, but does make us want to point out how ridiculous they are as humans, and how autoimmune diseases of all kinds need to be more known. (Especially when some of these fools complain about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN….for nothing but attention on social media.) We get confused on why these people feel they need to comment at all?
First of all, let us clear up a few things, and then we’ll provide you with a list (that some of you may want to print, and keep in your wallet) of things not to say or do to someone with a chronic or terminal condition. Second, are you human? Because at some point, you have to stop and ask yourself how many times YOU bitch complain about things. Whether that be an illness, work, your kids, your husband, your wife, your ex-husband, your neighbors, or your dog’s aunt Betty’s cousin’s sisters friend. Nobody puts you down for that. Thirdly, we’d ask you to ask yourself this: before I comment on this status or article that I know nothing about, and that everyone on the internet will thusly see…. Do I really want to show my true colors, and look like a fool? Apparently so!
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“Aww, so glad you’re out of the house! So glad you’re feeling better!” Hahahahahaha! Are you kidding us? You think we feel better because we came to the grocery store? Right. Funny! We go to the grocery store, because like you, our pantries are almost empty, and the law states we have to feed our children. What you can’t see is that our knees are bruising from walking, we’re gasping for every breath, and sweat drips off of us, as our blood pressure is pumping hard than ever trying to keep up with pushing the stupid cart! Response: “Yeah, it’s a better day.” We shake our heads, and move on.
“Oh, you’re sick…again???” (Looks down at our bodies, unmoving, sweating, and shaking) Yeah, looks like it. But thanks for writing that in a way that sounds like we’ve put you out or something. Thanks for writing it like we’ve decided to eat poison and make ourselves violently ill. Definitely thought it was time to spend the day hugging the toilet, rather than playing with our kids. So, yeah, because we wanted it to happen, we’re sick again. Response: “Oh, wait….from your weeks’ worth of whiney posts about your cold, I can see that you’re sick AGAIN, too… Be glad yours will go away.” Or, if you’re lucky, you’ll get no response. If we did respond, you’d then say we were being mean, pointing out how your ignorance screams for attention.
“Maybe if you pray harder.” Sigh. Why people even want to go here with some of us, we’ll never know. What are we supposed to pray harder for, exactly? In one breath, you tell us that “God won’t give it to you, unless he knows you can handle it.” Then in the next breath, you tell us to “pray for Him to take it away.” Well, WTF. We call bullshit. If he GAVE it to us because we could handle it…wouldn’t praying for it to go away be sort of pointless? Stupid even? A waste of time? Sorry, but praying isn’t going to touch the level 9 pain radiating through my lung with each breath, or her muscles as she stands from her stiffness from RA, and her muscles literally tear apart. If it was going to help, it would have already. Response: Silence, as our mouths fall open. “Yeah, sure.” Just. Don’t. Not unless it’s an open subject you know is safe with your own friend. MANY sick people feel this same way….can you blame them?
“Religion is like a penis. You can have one, and play with it all you want…and that’s fine. But when you get it out, and push it all up in someone’s face, that’s when it becomes a problem.”
“Oh, I’ve got a headache! It must be Lupus.” This one actually makes us chuckle. We see your posts, your pictures at the park, the gym, the bakery…. Eating pizzas, ice creams, candies, pop, coffee, alcohol….and honestly, we’re a little jealous. We see you post how hard life is, how defeated you are, how nothing is working or turning out right, and we see you’re depressed. How do we know? Because we’ve been there, too. More than we’d like, faced constantly with our own mortality. It makes us chuckle because you post about it like it’s a cold, or a common stomach bug. The chronic, debilitating, life altering illness will just be here, and you’ll just happily keep on, keepin’ on. Are you nuts? Well, we’re laughing, because we know you’re nuts. You’re insane if you think your depression, poor diet, and general lack of care for yourself are causing what we’re fighting daily. Wow, we’d kill to be able to eat that crap….go to the gym… have energy for anything other than laying around like a half dead zombie, on more pills and meds than you could keep up with.
“How about you change your diet.” If you say this to one of us, and we smile real big…you should just walk away. Let me tell you something: for those of us who refuse to take 17 pills a day, we have to control our diets more than you’ll ever have to. We know that one wrong move sets us back for days, and we’ve already tried every new fad. We eat vegetables, fruits, and plain meats. Some of us that don’t eat the meats supplement with legumes. Many of us avoid dairy, or are allergic to dairy (Dairy can inflame all autoimmune conditions). So, could you tell us, please, how we could cut our diets ANY more? What could we change, truly, that would impact us, Friend-Doctor? Tell me, since you’re an expert, how will only eating almonds make my disease go away? Oh! Avoiding diet pop! Yes! Surely it’s been THAT SIMPLE all this time. Response: “Oh, I eat just fine, thank you.” So, how about this? If your diet is working for you, congrats! Keep on it! But…don’t try to make us try it. Please.
Other Common Phrases to Avoid
-“You look so good today!”
-“If you don’t think about it, the pain will go away.”
-“You must not want to get better, if you won’t try ________.”
-“I wish I could just sit around all day…”
-“I have this juice that it really working for me.”
-“You must still be sinning in your life.”
-“You can’t be in that much pain, you look fine! You must want attention.”
-“There are easier ways to get attention.”
-“It’s not good for your kids to see you like this.”
-“I’m so glad to see you out and about, and obviously, all better!”
-“Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough.”
-“Try to think positively.”
-“It’s all in your head.”
-“You’re so lucky to get to stay home all day.”
If you’re one of these people who trolls along in life, without really thinking what’s coming out of your mouth….we’d advise you to stop, and think. Especially when you’re commenting on people’s statuses on social media. We do, however, love the messages that flow into our inboxes after someone makes such a comment on our pages. Even though you think you’ve got it bad, remember someone always has it worse. We remind ourselves with this fact daily, and that helps us to forge on.
If you’re curious about what you CAN and SHOULD say to your friends and family with chronic illness or disability, stay tuned to the next post which will have much information on how to be a good, supportive friend to those who are sick. Let us also state that we’re not trying to be mean, but simply ask for the courtesy that you’d expect in life. Don’t judge what we’re doing, or judge us by our illness. Unless you’ve got something positive to add, just don’t add anything at all. Seems simple, and easy enough…don’t you think?
