The Feelings of “Self-Suck” and the Drive to Keep Going.

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Inside my body right now, and my poor, filled, almost explosive head, is the sinking feeling of self-suck. What the hell did she just write? Yes, I wrote that: self-suck. Self-suck are the low feelings that sneak up on you when you’re confronted with dealing with the adult situations that are presented in your life. I’m not talking about the situations like having a baby, getting married, or buying a house. I’m talking more about the feelings that come up when you can’t pay your hospital bills, you miss your car payment for the fifth time, or you have to sign the papers for your bankruptcy. (No, not all of those things are happening to myself, but one of them sure is…)

These days it seems like everyone is having money trouble. Few people I know are squeaking by with extra dollars flowing from their pockets. Up until this summer, I couldn’t handle having unpaid bills, and I hadn’t really ever missed a payment on anything. Well, holy shit did that change with an undeserved, spiteful, tacky-as-hell pay-cut from the employer. (The reasons will be left off for now, until I am at liberty to write the truth about this “old family business” that is now only out for “the owners themselves.”) Pile that pay cut with my illness and hospital visits, and then our kids’ heart surgery…yeah, you’re seeing the picture a little more, eh??

Things always get clearer with copious, heavy amounts of stress in life. My clarity came again at the beginning of summer, with my daughter’s heart surgery looming. Bills. Yeah, we had to rack them up because at the time, that’s what we had to do. Life. It just keeps happening! Lately we’ve faced more trials, but I’ve still got my eyes on the prize. Unpaid bills are not the future. They are only temporary. I think sometimes in the chaos of figuring out where the money will come from, we lose sight of where the main focus should be. On your spouse. Your kids. Your home. The “needs,” and not the wants.

My drive increases knowing that we’ll spend our next few months digging out, and making huge, positive changes to live free of these problems again. Sometimes you just need to grab it, shake the shit out of it, OWN IT, do what you need to do to fix it, and move the hell on. Not to mention learning from it, so you don’t revisit the issue again!!

We are in the fixing it, and moving the hell on stage. Moving the hell on is a literal statement for us, too! 😉