The Good Things: How to Support your Chronically Ill Friends & Family
On a daily basis, we deal with more pain, medicine, and limitations than many will face in a lifetime. We do anything we can for socialization, as many times, we cannot leave the house for long periods. It’s these times that are the hardest for us, as sometimes those personal connections we use to have are what helped keep us sane. This is when we need you most, and It may not be in the ways you might think.
If you’re coming to us after reading our previous post, Sticks, Stones & Ignorance, you’ve just been educated on what not to say, or do. Now we’d like to point out some things that really do warm our hearts, and words that may help you find your way in communicating with us, too. Of course, these things will depend on your relationship with the person, and should be thought about, and adjusted accordingly.
Things to Do
–Reach out. The simplest forms of communication via Facebook inbox, email, text messaging, or calling us is sometimes just the mood lifter we’ll need for the day. Don’t think that it has to be full of information, or stories….even just a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” email would suffice. Being chronically ill can be the loneliest place in the world, even when we’re surrounded by people, doctors, and nurses constantly. The problem arises when no one truly can understand what one is feeling, and some of those same people don’t have the patience, time, or want to truly understand. Understand our depression comes and goes, and tends to stick around when everything flares up.
-Visit our Children. When you’re coming over to visit us, be aware that our children are just as hungry for communication and interaction as we are. Of course, we’re doing everything we can as parents to get them out of the house, away from the sickness, and drama. Sometimes it’s just not possible though, and they may be trapped in the house with us for the week. Be understanding when they bombard you with stories, and chatter. Listen carefully, and pay attention. Oh, we really appreciate that.
-Grocery Store. In a flare, or in cold weather, some of us appreciate nothing more than when you bring the few items we need to complete our recipes. We may never come out and ask for this service you could provide, unless we’re extremely comfortable with you. Somehow, asking for help when you know help is all you’ll need for forever, it really, extremely difficult. Many of us just refuse to do it.
–Send us mail. But, NOT “Get Well” cards!! Sending someone who is chronically ill a card that reads, “get well soon!” really does imply that you know nothing of our constant battle, and you expect something from us that we know we cannot give: that we can get better. Facts are facts. We can’t. Not unless our bodies suddenly wake up, and start working again. We love funny cards, inappropriate humor, old pictures, and more.
Things to Say
-“I care for you so much, but I am truly at a loss for words.”
-“Do you need to vent? I’m here, if so.”
-“I really admire your strength. You never give up. I love that about you.”
-“I’m bringing dinner for your family. Would you prefer Chicken or Salad?”
-“When would your kids like to come over and play?”
-“Tell me what it’s really like to be you for the day.”
-“You are amazing, and I am in awe of what you deal with. How has this made you appreciate life more?”
-“Need any buddies to shop with?”
-“I’m sorry you’re sick again….anything I can do to make it easier?”
-“I’ve just gotten a new book from the library. It’s on _______. I was thinking of you.”
-“You look good- but how are you really feeling?”
Overall, if you’re unsure of what to say, or do….just say that! We understand that there are not words for everything that happens to us. Sometimes, we’re not even sure what to tell ourselves! Most of us can normally handle just about every comment, but it’s when people stop thinking all together, and their comments are less than supportive, that we may tend to go batshitcrazy. Because those comments you make, only makes us feel even more burdensome than we are. Don’t step into the vicious cycle! (And don’t look like a fool on social media!)
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
